Improv 1, Week 1

This is an Improv off of Craig Raine's "Martian Sends a Postcard Home".
Here's a piece of it:

"Caxtons are mechanical birds with many wings
and some are treasured for their markings--

they cause the eyes to melt
or the body to shriek without pain.

I have never seen one fly, but
sometimes they perch on the hand. "


-----
As for my own work, I hope what it is eventually makes sense. I'm sorry if it doesn't. If you've read it and you still can't figure it out leave a comment and I'll be happy to tell you. It's hard to know if I'm being unreasonably vague. This is mostly experimentation. I'm none too good at this. Any hints or corrections would be welcome and appreciated of course. I guess this is my first real piece on here isn't it? Here it goes. It's called "'Kay, Roger"


'Kay, Roger


The child watches stiff natives wandering
in uniform black and blue,
safely tucked behind the grates and bars
of a trundling car with no engine.


It is a new world suffused in white,
lined from tiled slab to towering ceiling
with fragrant, neatly packaged trinkets,
studied by many touring faces.


Knick knacks tossed into the car.


In silent lines, visitors gather,
grabbing varied handfuls of their booty,
they line them neatly on a magic carpet
that transports it to a waiting native.


She grabs each item, speaks her foreign language--
Beep. Beep. 


The items disappear behind her metal fort
and then she shoves them into weak-willed gluttons,
mouths open until full--


They rasp like snakes.


Eyes watch as men with beards like
dripping milk jugs demand tribute.
"Old Man's Discount,"mutter whiskers
and with a nod, sums are tallied.


Numbers shared. Visitors grumble but dig
within their pockets and produce green leaves--
like rectangular flakes of gift wrap.
The native seizes with a plastic smile


And then relents a passport.


And with the interaction done between them
The visitors grab their raspy sacks and leave.
And with them goes an empty promise,
Thank You and Come Again.

Junkyard Quote 4, Week 1

"Poetry is like a ballet in your mouth."

and

"Finger my back, why don't you?"

Classmate Response 2, Week 1

Addressed to Jami's Improv:

I'm actually impressed by how much the meaning of a poem can change by just replacing the nouns. I think what you have here is what is meant by, "the best works are stolen." Whether it's your best work however, stands to be tested as this is my first introduction to how you write, but all the same I look forward to seeing what you can produce. But to end the babbling and skip to the constructive stuff...


I think the pitfall when it comes to focusing on producing a noun-based madlib is that you try to keep each noun around a cohesive theme. Thus you tend to lose on variety. Instead of thinking about the other elements you could include within the poem, you instead focus on: "Does this make sense with the rest of it?" Or, if you're like me you think of one central idea, in this case--alcoholism--and then you try to think of as much as you can about that word.


Which, don't get me wrong, it's a fantastic way to brainstorm and what you have here feels like a wonderful rough draft, a greatly coherent brainstorm. You have good material to work with.  My favorite line is "riding on liquid rainbows and hailstorms."


I think you have images here that you could run wild with. I think the hardest part in brainstorming is to run off from the original ideas and keep searching into what else you can produce. 


For instance, "ideas and drunken stupors." I think that "specificity" thing kicks in here. Ideas are too general. What ideas? Describe a drunken stupor for me. You set yourself up for interesting works. I personally think you have really good potential from this. I'm really looking forward to reading what else you have.

Junkyard Quote 3, Week 1

"He might've pillaged my panties!"

and

W: "All right, Diamond, go ahead. Make a 'hole' joke."
D: -thinks about it- "I actually can't think of any right now."
W: -gasps- Hole-y shit!

Classmate Response 1, Week 1

Luckily I blab a lot because I forgot to word count this comment!! Do you include who you posted it to? I suppose you would need to for confirmation purposes. This was on deedairyan's freewrite I believe.

Response:

"I love lists in poetry. It takes an impressive attention to detail to create a meter that its continuous throughout the work but still not sacrificing enough of the list to make sense. 

So I loved the section in the beginning about your grandmother's recipe. The words created their own bounce that I wish would have continued throughout the rest of the work. Perhaps trying spreading the recipe out. In fact, I found this to be the most home-familiar part of the work. Who doesn't understand the smells of home-cooking? Mom or grandma blowing up the house with all those savory smells? I think these memories create familiarity without being heavy emotionally.

I understand you're from New Orleans, if I remember correctly? (I could be way off base of course, if so, forgive me.) I think you can find a way to combine the New Orleans flavors more thoroughly with that wonderful Louisiana flair. 

I think this got me excited"

Junkyard Quote 2, Week 1

"Dammit, I knew there was something weird about him! He was just too normal."

I'm going to assume we don't have to explain all of these? The syllabus says "when necessary." For the sake of argument, I'll attempt to explain my reasoning. However contradictory the statement, I can relate to it somehow. It's like reading a book with a character that is... well, much too ordinary. They always turn out evil don't they?

Calisthenics 1, Week 1

An edit of my in-class calisthenic. Each line has been edited at least 2-3 times. I tend to be word. I tried to focus on an adjective and that came to mind with the smell, the I tried condensing the idea behind that adjective. I actually forgot the adjective for a couple but I can put in parentheses what I meant for some of them.

Smell: Freshly Sharpened Pencil

1. An egg crate nesting on the interstate. (Potential)

2. A popsicle gone, wooden remains, ground to spiny fibers in your teeth.

3. Like the twang of too much yellow on a naked dog. (Sharp)

4. Mud pies by the lake, fistfuls of duck shit, relenting under domestic fingers.

5. Licking ice on windows, liquid crystal, dribbling down your chin. (Smooth)

Junkyard Quote 1, Week 1

"So, I'm thinking maybe I should get 69 tattooed on my face."

I know, quite the opener right? But it had to be one of the most hilarious things I've heard all day. I typically get lots of HI-larious material working register at Kroger, but they've had me in the dairy department all week so I've been getting minimal customer interaction lately.

I suppose this owes an explanation so that I'm not presumably perverted beyond all imagination. My friend and I had been discussing tattoos and what we would get for our first all day. She was watching Bleach. I was mindlessly surfing the internet. It was this guy that inspired her: Shuhei Hisagi. And without much thought she muttered the above phrase. I had not been paying attention... was pretty thrown off. C'mon, you know that's gotta be a weird statement out of context, yes?