This is Tim's allotted Calisthenic: The "Thing". I started writing about this stupid gnat that just flew by my face a couple times. I remember being told that gnats are attracted to water, and that the Egyptians put those black rings of coal (kohl?) around their eyes to actually keep them away from their pupils. So I guess my focus was the gnats search for water. I have no idea how this ended up taking a religious context. I suppose I couldn't help myself, and I fear it was too heavy-handed. Ah well. I loved this calisthenic because... well actually, one of my favorite poems is Donne's "The Flea". I love the idea of taking something so everyday--so insignificant, and then making it this huge deal. I like the new perspective. I think one of my better poems was taking something typical and making it clever. This is no where near the level of Donne, but here it is on the chopping block. Enjoy?
The Gnat
Incessant search for substance
seeking crevices with quenching
fountains of youth, reeking
with the stench of fermented
fruits--Eve's sin browned.
Home is that molded potato
lurched in the stinking chasm
of that forgotten trash bag.
Crucified by maggots darting
in last's months T-bone, Roaches
like nomads, unimpressed.
But you will grow by thousands
and as the meek, this world is yours
to swarm and divulge. Forever
searching, haunting every eye
and nostril, hovering for the hope
of liquid salvation--the kind fresh
out the faucet;Wading in the baptismal
pool. Until then you beat your wings
and search just over the radar.
Friday, September 2
Classmate Response 1, Week 2
To Kyleen's Freewrite--Week 2. God, I'm so lame.
I'm beginning to see a pattern with you, dah'lin, and it seems to me you love to lose love under the moon. XD No, okay, back to being serious. I'll start out with the elements I love and then, because I adore you so, I'll move into what I think could be better. MERCILESSLY. As these things should be, as I expect you to do with me as well.
Now. First off I want to address that wonderful alliteration--chunky chains. I know it seems a pretty simple thing, but you could have easily gone cliche with that, with the clanging and the banging. But chunky? It's such a heavy word. Insulting word. I love it. Imagine obese chains! In fact, let's consider the idea of even using "obese chains" to stray even farther from the cliche. I love a good alliteration but a wonderful image can overpower that further. Honestly the choice is yours but I will tell you I like that bit just the way it is.
As you probably know, I'm image-oriented. Give me a visual; I feel like all your usual visual-expertise is lacking here. You always create very solemn moods with your visuals and I feel like this work needs that here, rather than being stuck on heavy-handed connotations. You talk about fairy tales. Give me examples! I think you might want to get familiar with the Grimms here. You're trying to create the image of an ugly fairy tale. All their fairy tales are wonderfully ugly. I have their complete collection. I can fish it up for you if you'd like? Moving along...
Oh my God, "we are a dichotomy of wrath"?! Like an orgasm in my mind! It's wonderfully refreshing here--striking language. I feel like this almost separates itself from the rest of the piece. Preconceived order? What IS that? It's brilliant! I think this is where the poem meets its best. Still, you have to be wary of unnecessary adjectives. Though you have good images you tend to be description-heavy. Reign in unnecessary adjectives. Does the room have to be desolate? Actually, chuck "in the desolate room" entirely. Does it sound better? I would also consider playing with meter. Manipulate some line breaks into this and this is actually something I struggle with--I was told that at the end of a line break you want to end with something not necessarily strong, but solid. In this I mean you do not want to end with words like "of" or maybe not even "anyone". Also (and this is where I always fall off myself) you do not want to end in words that are too strong. It makes it too heavy. Avoid ending in cliches and I think that helps.
I hope I was helpful without being too brutal. DX Anyways, good job. You have a good skeleton to polish here--now start giving him some meat.
I'm beginning to see a pattern with you, dah'lin, and it seems to me you love to lose love under the moon. XD No, okay, back to being serious. I'll start out with the elements I love and then, because I adore you so, I'll move into what I think could be better. MERCILESSLY. As these things should be, as I expect you to do with me as well.
Now. First off I want to address that wonderful alliteration--chunky chains. I know it seems a pretty simple thing, but you could have easily gone cliche with that, with the clanging and the banging. But chunky? It's such a heavy word. Insulting word. I love it. Imagine obese chains! In fact, let's consider the idea of even using "obese chains" to stray even farther from the cliche. I love a good alliteration but a wonderful image can overpower that further. Honestly the choice is yours but I will tell you I like that bit just the way it is.
As you probably know, I'm image-oriented. Give me a visual; I feel like all your usual visual-expertise is lacking here. You always create very solemn moods with your visuals and I feel like this work needs that here, rather than being stuck on heavy-handed connotations. You talk about fairy tales. Give me examples! I think you might want to get familiar with the Grimms here. You're trying to create the image of an ugly fairy tale. All their fairy tales are wonderfully ugly. I have their complete collection. I can fish it up for you if you'd like? Moving along...
Oh my God, "we are a dichotomy of wrath"?! Like an orgasm in my mind! It's wonderfully refreshing here--striking language. I feel like this almost separates itself from the rest of the piece. Preconceived order? What IS that? It's brilliant! I think this is where the poem meets its best. Still, you have to be wary of unnecessary adjectives. Though you have good images you tend to be description-heavy. Reign in unnecessary adjectives. Does the room have to be desolate? Actually, chuck "in the desolate room" entirely. Does it sound better? I would also consider playing with meter. Manipulate some line breaks into this and this is actually something I struggle with--I was told that at the end of a line break you want to end with something not necessarily strong, but solid. In this I mean you do not want to end with words like "of" or maybe not even "anyone". Also (and this is where I always fall off myself) you do not want to end in words that are too strong. It makes it too heavy. Avoid ending in cliches and I think that helps.
I hope I was helpful without being too brutal. DX Anyways, good job. You have a good skeleton to polish here--now start giving him some meat.
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