Title is the same placeholder, I might try and brainstorm some more appropriate titles when I don't have to run off to pick up my sister from work. If you don't know the first version, look here for differences Basically (Version 1.5)
Basically (Version 2)
I remember the sagging blue nightgown
with nothing underneath.
Suggestive phone chats winking
ideas that transcended denim and Tuesday panties.
That electric connection through the speakers
circuited in a spider web of intermingled, intertwined, and satisfying--
I remember wanting to see everything
but your darkness blocked my view.
creeping on sacred slabs, sandwiched
between a lawn mower and a beach ball.
I let you in and you and I contemplate birth
marks on the planes where darkness sleeps.
I remember squirming against you
but you became a wall.
The ceiling trembles in a sigh into the floor
But the world outside is bored.
Who is snoring on top of us right before
the baby screams? The screams, the noise, God, my noise
I remembered your jacket used to be soggy
sweating scents of Gillette and mold.
hovers in frozen intensity. You finger
every scrap, every morsel, devoured slippery pieces
of my hesitation like a foaming dog in spring.
Then the pain becomes too clumsy to endure,
I remember the salt of unsanctioned prayers.
Christ had never tasted so seasoned.
our driving need for completion squashes
under knowledge that this moment isn't it.
That silent tears on basement floors
are best for days not mid-November.
Nights can't hurt this bad.
And I remember the glorious return
of that sagging blue night gown
hiding everything underneath.
And instead of dancing, I remember we swam
in the atom juice of my basic joy.
And our bodies are knocked down
to the smallest levels of animalism and awkwardness.
I could have drowned in awkwardness.
And in asphyxiated dreams hover trophies
of our almost accomplishment.
If you feel there are some things that still need work or if I might have sacrificed something in the transition even, please do relay critiques and concerns.
You have a lot of interesting language going on in this piece. It still feels like you have too much of your own emotion in it. Perhaps try not to think of yourself or your ex (He sucks anyway). I really liked what you did today during class as you paid attention to the language and created this character and story of your own.
ReplyDeleteSIDE TRACK- Oh and before I forget.. something interesting I noticed about this piece is where you said "The screams, the noise, God, my noise" it reminded me of Chri's piece that we just worked shop when he talked about Gwen Steffani or however you spell her name. But I thought it was cool because maybe we do all kind of feed off each others work including the writers we read.
Anyway from the start of the piece it feels like you are grabbing experiences with your ex and telling us how he hurt you.I could be wrong but since I know it influenced your first draft I feel like I'm reading this piece as a heartbreak. I say forget about him and trying to make this a heart break piece and just pull your favorite parts out and write a completely different story. I really liked: the atom juice of my basic joy, smallest levels of animalism and awkwardness,Tuesday panties.
I actually think it's so interesting that you see heartbreak in this, because this particular piece wasn't about my recent break-up. So now I'm really excited because I feel like, "Wow, my poem CAN be perceived in more than one way." Even though now I realize some of that perception is hindering me and I'll be more wary of sentimentalities in the future.But still, it makes me feel all smart and stuff, I'm like, "YEAH, I MEANT THAT." Hah... As far as my faults, I think perhaps what I struggle with most is trying to flatten my tone in a few places here. So thanks for pointing that out, it really confirmed my trail of thought.
ReplyDeleteI think what you're saying is right. I have scraps of something I want to have (hence my return to it) but I don't have anything cohesive. This really helped quite a bit, Dawn, thanks! I'll start pulling my favorite chunks out and see where else I can take it in the emotional pool.