In response to Queenie's fourth free write, week 6. I find this funny because some of the stuff I suggested she do is some of the very same things I struggle with:
All right, a couple of things. You have an interesting list here and none of it has anything to do with rice--so clearly you're doing something right here. I feel like there's a few things you can do to make things stronger. For one, what you have here is a long lyrical rant. And when you jump into a new idea there is no distinction and it is difficult to follow the train of thought from one section of thought to another. Perhaps consider more narrative. For instance, break up the tangent with something with a simple sentence every now and again. For my Introduction to Poetry piece I had a lot of odd language juxtaposed together and Dr. Davidson suggested I change it up by adding simple sentences like, "You know this is true." Maybe not necessarily that sentence, but I hope it helps illustrate the point. For instance, "The button sprung up from cook to uncook." Compared to all that description this section pauses the reader. The rest of it comes by as a rush when reading so the reader does need a pause.
The line: "It's like as if liquid sugar" Too much happening there for your opening line. How about "It's liquid sugar" or "It's liquefied sugar." "like as if" borderlines on excessive, unless you're trying to create a certain tone then I would suggest manipulating the tone in other ways.
Hope this helps.
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