In Response to Kyley's Freewrite, Week 9:
Yeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh. Holy shit, Kyley. Haha. When you said you were going to write a sex poem I had no idea it'd mean this. Ok, on to the seriousness.
This exceeds shock factor. This explodes it into tiny little pieces and then reassembles it, only to shove inanimate objects into its holes. I think we need some major toning down here. I love the contrast between the hilarious baby Jesus lines (which I never even thought of one of us including into a poem so I hate you for thinking of it before me--but I love you anyway) and the disturbing quality of what happens. I also like how you did not reveal they were brothers until the last few lines and you did it in a natural matter so that it wasn't too glaring. To continue on with that, remove the line that even says the speakers are brothers. Let the last name at the end imply everything and freak some readers out. I like that idea.
Now what is going on is major in the explicit area. I think what you need is more of that comedic tone here. Make it seem funny. The situation itself will bring all the disturbia. So avoid heavy words like cunt, pistol, and whores. Make the images seem funny. Try putting some of that corny silent comedy music track behind this scene and describe it that way. And I forbid you to use swear words. Forbidden! Manipulate the letter format some more too, while I'm on a side note.
Reconsider "rightful." I have a feeling this image is going to live with me for the rest of my life. I'm laughing so hard right now. Hope this helps, Diamond.
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