Queenie's Free Entry 1, Week 11:
This is so funny. I love it. I'll be brief on this one and probably line pick.
Second line: little awkward to repeat "bounce" so closely together. Consider the left leg to be bouncing something else. I think since the rest of the image is clearly grounded, you can go a little strange with what is bouncing.
Fourth line: Nit-picky, but I'm hoping you won't mind. I have a problem with the adjective cold. Me, personally, if my ears are cold I want them covered. So I don't brush my hair away. Not that I keep my hair down a lot, so that's why I'm saying this is simply nitpicky. Perhaps describe the flesh or shape of the ear instead of simply "cold." You can probably go a little wild with this description as well, because throughout the piece you did a good job of making clear what is actually happening.
6th line, blue following the image of "rubies" of cigarette falls a little flat.
7th line, I'm still waiting on someone to elaborate on that, it's such a great idea that it makes me want more of the Modern Day Huck Finn.
8th line, perhaps "Hey AND Hello" rather than "or"
Lines 11-14 are my favorite lines in this piece. What wonderful imagery and a great sliding feeling to the words. Consider condensing is my only suggestion here.
By about the 16th line I'm confused as to where the "I" came from. I feel like this is about the time where we can go off subject some, discover the other subject probably and maintain the "I" of the speaker.
Overall, clever. Spencer should like this, and if he doesn't, I do. Hope this helps.
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