Classmate Response 1, Week 2

To Kyleen's Freewrite--Week 2. God, I'm so lame.

I'm beginning to see a pattern with you, dah'lin, and it seems to me you love to lose love under the moon. XD No, okay, back to being serious. I'll start out with the elements I love and then, because I adore you so, I'll move into what I think could be better. MERCILESSLY. As these things should be, as I expect you to do with me as well. 

Now. First off I want to address that wonderful alliteration--chunky chains. I know it seems a pretty simple thing, but you could have easily gone cliche with that, with the clanging and the banging. But chunky? It's such a heavy word. Insulting word. I love it. Imagine obese chains! In fact, let's consider the idea of even using "obese chains" to stray even farther from the cliche. I love a good alliteration but a wonderful image can overpower that further. Honestly the choice is yours but I will tell you I like that bit just the way it is.

As you probably know, I'm image-oriented. Give me a visual; I feel like all your usual visual-expertise is lacking here. You always create very solemn moods with your visuals and I feel like this work needs that here, rather than being stuck on heavy-handed connotations. You talk about fairy tales. Give me examples! I think you might want to get familiar with the Grimms here. You're trying to create the image of an ugly fairy tale. All their fairy tales are wonderfully ugly. I have their complete collection. I can fish it up for you if you'd like? Moving along...

Oh my God, "we are a dichotomy of wrath"?! Like an orgasm in my mind! It's wonderfully refreshing here--striking language. I feel like this almost separates itself from the rest of the piece. Preconceived order? What IS that? It's brilliant! I think this is where the poem meets its best. Still, you have to be wary of unnecessary adjectives. Though you have good images you tend to be description-heavy. Reign in unnecessary adjectives. Does the room have to be desolate? Actually, chuck "in the desolate room" entirely. Does it sound better? I would also consider playing with meter. Manipulate some line breaks into this and this is actually something I struggle with--I was told that at the end of a line break you want to end with something not necessarily strong, but solid. In this I mean you do not want to end with words like "of" or maybe not even "anyone". Also (and this is where I always fall off myself) you do not want to end in words that are too strong. It makes it too heavy. Avoid ending in cliches and I think that helps. 

I hope I was helpful without being too brutal. DX Anyways, good job. You have a good skeleton to polish here--now start giving him some meat.