Classmate Response 1, Week 10

In Response to Dawn's Calisthenic 10, Week 10:


Ugh. Finish this, I loved this. I will admit that the message of the post-it was a little heavy--I don't care how in love I am, I generally avoid using "dearest" because even outside of poetry it's cheesy, but the rest of it seems to be ok because then you acknowledge how cheesy and unimportant the note was. I love the imagery that comes along with it--a note traveling in the wind:

"trafficking beneath the soles" (reconsider "the educated," maybe just soles of students)
"spiraled in tornado leaves"

Shave down on unnecessary articles. I am in love with some of the verbs from lines 9-13, even though the meaning of the lines gets lost on me I feel like the images these verbs create are strong enough to create their own meaning.

By the time you hit the random letters you have successfully lost me. I'm going to need you cut the random letters out and elaborate on the abstractions--what fantasy and what truth? Perhaps continue shaping out the situation and explain how the note came to be outside in the first place. It seems there was an ending to the relationship of some kind. Please elaborate on this as well. Is there anything else on the note? Maybe you can include the bits of note in and out of the piece.

The point is, I'd really like to see another draft of this. Please? Hope this helps.