In Response to David's Freewrite, Week 4:
First off, I like the subject matter and I like the distant tone you applied to the subject matter. Reminiscent of how Meitner handled Sex Ed in my opinion. I like the contrast of the note card questions and answers (in italics) versus the setting. And while I'm on "likes" I like your lists. "sex, sexuality, and condoms." "gay marriage, homoerotic tendencies, rape." There's got to be a better way to say "homoerotic tendencies" though. It's a mouth-full and feels too Latin for that place in this piece. I do like, however, how the lists end with something so solid, one-syllable, and concrete. You can't necessarily touch rape but it sure is a lot more visual than "gay marriage" in my opinion. It also opens up another tone for the rest of the piece.
Some of the lines could use some tightening. They tend to be somewhat wordy. You have great knack for detail but I think that what you should focus on is if the details you're providing create redundancy in the piece. For instance, and this is a personal preference, but most note cards aren't huge so to say they are little seems unnecessary. Also, would removing that word ruin or help your meter?
I feel that "offensive and controversial material" paired with gay marriage works almost as a cliche. It goes without saying that gay marriage is controversial and I wonder if there might not be a better way to phrase that.
I also feel you have the potential to play with some really great verbs here. For example, instead of "delivered" in the last stanza, does anything change if the answers skip straight to being born? I feel like in terms of language, born answers are surprising refreshing, especially when they're born like raindrops.
Does the last line serve a purpose so significant that the piece can't stand without it?
Anyway, hope you feel completely whole again soon. As always, hope this helps.
No comments:
Post a Comment