I'm not going to lie, I love a good freewrite and I think this one was much more successful than your last attempt. I've said before that I'm kinda neurotic. I love to nitpick and when I do I shut off my mind to possibilities. That's why I love the freewrite. It forces me to open my mind to any sensory information around me. I'm then scrambling to put words on the page as opposed to erasing them all off. This probably is a good exercise for you in the long run but after you're done with it I'd like to see it utilized.
What you want to do after you're done with a freewrite is not leave it. You want to explore with it. I've been mentally picking at your freewrite and have assembled a sort of junkyard by rearranging and picking out/adding words. For instance--your first section about that girl became:
marbled concrete pressed under,
bitching students rambling
about paralled parked cars
and limited space.
a girl in oversized sweat pants, tight tank,
nipples exposed--I guess that’s why
they call this nippy weather--
carries the conversation elevated
no one hears.
Anyway, not a great example but I wanted to show you that in every freewrite you have something you can carry over into poetry. Find something that you connect to emotionally. I find my environment provides the best outlet. When you spill words out on a page like that they tend to sort of come out in this interesting odd way, hence the phrase--marbled concrete. And you have a lot of words coupled here that creates great imagery. I'm sure this wasn't on purpose but-- Ha, ha, ha. Wrist hair? Love it. Stick THAT in a poem somewhere. Who the hell writes about wrist hair? And what's more you seem to continue this infatuation with hair in the last couple lines. Perhaps you have your focus here? Things reoccur for a reason in my opinion.
But I'm rambling. Please do try and utilize the freewrite. You have an interesting writing style. In fact, perhaps a sort of list poem might work for you, like Meitner's "Instructions for Vigilant Girls". These freewrites dish out the language for you, and your need to control could help create a really great list poem. Hope this is helpful.
What you want to do after you're done with a freewrite is not leave it. You want to explore with it. I've been mentally picking at your freewrite and have assembled a sort of junkyard by rearranging and picking out/adding words. For instance--your first section about that girl became:
marbled concrete pressed under,
bitching students rambling
about paralled parked cars
and limited space.
a girl in oversized sweat pants, tight tank,
nipples exposed--I guess that’s why
they call this nippy weather--
carries the conversation elevated
no one hears.
Anyway, not a great example but I wanted to show you that in every freewrite you have something you can carry over into poetry. Find something that you connect to emotionally. I find my environment provides the best outlet. When you spill words out on a page like that they tend to sort of come out in this interesting odd way, hence the phrase--marbled concrete. And you have a lot of words coupled here that creates great imagery. I'm sure this wasn't on purpose but-- Ha, ha, ha. Wrist hair? Love it. Stick THAT in a poem somewhere. Who the hell writes about wrist hair? And what's more you seem to continue this infatuation with hair in the last couple lines. Perhaps you have your focus here? Things reoccur for a reason in my opinion.
But I'm rambling. Please do try and utilize the freewrite. You have an interesting writing style. In fact, perhaps a sort of list poem might work for you, like Meitner's "Instructions for Vigilant Girls". These freewrites dish out the language for you, and your need to control could help create a really great list poem. Hope this is helpful.
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