Classmate Response 1, Week 4

To Kyley's Calisthenic, "The Cat." 



Since we both posted the same thing so closely to each other you will be my first victim for Week 4.


I like how you decided to take this litany in another direction than the rest of us. While the rest of us are focusing on Ginsberg-esque rants, you decide to develop your own individual path and I like that. I like that you used the list to describe a cat. I also like the focus on the cat's claws and teeth. 


Also, I'd like to say one of my favorite lines is "Why must you be so cruel to your overseer?" While I think the line is wordy it uses great connotation to create an interesting concept. The overseer is tied with the watchful figure in slavery. And yet, the speaker describes his/herself as the overseer--being treated cruelly. 


I think perhaps the biggest fault I find with this piece is that the lines need tightening. You have good bits of imagery here that seem to be ruined by over-description. This might seem odd in contrast to my recent rant of description, but I love the specificity in the first line of "my shin." It's a refreshing choice in comparison to "my leg."


Still, consider condensing. The second line seems to carry some redundancy. "Your claws of tyranny dominate your surroundings." I see what you were trying to get at with tyranny and dominance but they seem too similar. Also, do you think the line would work as well without "your surroundings?" I believe that the surroundings are implied under the tyranny. 


You have some interesting lines in here that seem somewhat shorter and contrast with the long, descriptive lines. I would suggest playing on that more as well. Once again, hoping this helps.